#39: Use these 2 words to take control of your life.
Oh, and Don't you... forget about YOU.
The phrase “fit your own mask before helping others” has come up in numerous conversations in the last couple of weeks.
So this edition of A Sterne Talking To is dedicated to all you lovely people who forget to look after yourselves.
The TL;DR is unsurprisingly “think of yourself more often and you’ll be better placed to serve others - and yourself”. I see it as a kind of virtuous circle.
This phenomenon is a particular favourite for people pleasers. Those who can’t just say no. Trouble is, the business of pleasing others invariably has a detrimental effect on us, doesn’t it?
I know this isn’t new news, but we have a habit of forgetting about stuff that can make a serious impact on us and our mental health. We go around taking on tasks, errands, bits of paid work. Or we get too deeply involved in solving problems that someone else in our team is a) perfectly capable of doing and b) you’ve no business poking your nose into. And, to boot, we fold when our kids, family, or friends want us for something. Every time.
Boundaries can be a problem.
But get this: (a little Jedi mind trick imparted on me by my Coach, Adam, last week when we were talking about time management)….
When you say “Yes” to something… you’re saying “No” to something else. That “No”. could be “No for now”, but you’re putting the other thing off that may end up never getting done (or have the opportunity to do again).
When I was kid, I often stayed at my Nan and Grandad’s house. We’d sometimes go for day trips out, but this day, Nan suggested we all hop on the train to London.
Wow. I think I’d only been a couple of times before. Living in Bedford, my grandparents were close to the mainline station and we could get to St Pancras in under an hour. We all started to get ready, I was really excited.
But then… Mum rang and said “Do you want to come and meet up with Barrie and go on the boating lake?”. For the keen readers amongst you, this is the same boating lake where I had my ill-fated-ice-cream-choosing debacle.
Dammit. All geared up for my trip to London, and now I have a choice to make. Head off as planned, have a day out on the train and all that, or go on the pedalos and get an ice cream with my friend.
I said “Yes” to the offer. We had a great time, and though Nan and Grandad were probably disappointed, I reckoned they’d get over it. I had to say “No” to the London trip.
To cut a long story short, we never did go again. Grandad passed away and a couple of years later so did Nan. The opportunity didn’t arise again. Mum, when you read this - it’s not your fault OK? 😉
It’s perhaps an extreme example, but when these individual situations are compounded, you might find yourself saying yes a lot (either to activities or modes of thinking) to things that you’d rather actually say no to.
Wouldn’t you rather say yes to the things you really want to say yes to?
Here’s another example.
When I’m slouched on the sofa, phone in hand, mindlessly scrolling - I’m saying yes to that activity. I’m also saying no to getting some proper rest, picking up a guitar, going for a walk, doing some press ups, or whatever.
And, by saying yes to making a big decision in the moment, you’re also saying no to letting it sit for a bit and perhaps coming to a different conclusion.
By saying yes to going out with your friends, because of FOMO - are you saying no to that much needed rest, that book you wanted to read, or something else?
When you say yes to working late, you’re saying no to spending time on yourself, with your family/kids.
In a coaching experience I gave last week, we talked extensively around time management - and protecting your own. One of the insights that came out of it was that it’s perfectly OK to block out time for you. And, you can call it “a meeting with yourself”.
People want to put meetings in your diary? They have no respect for your time? Well, how much respect do YOU have for your time? Block that time out. Set it to private if you want. Sure, you might want to move it about - like you might with other meetings - but don’t delete it.
It’s important.
4 questions to ask yourself:
What have I said yes to recently that I didn’t really want to say yes to?
What have I said yes to recently without even realising I’d subconsciously made that decision?
What were you saying no to?
How can you become more present in your yes/no decision making?
Tell me in the comments what you come with.
I’m off to write some more of my book. I’ve made the conscious decision to dedicate time to it. I’ve said “no” right now to cutting the grass, playing the guitar, and going for a walk. But I plan to do those things later. It doesn’t always have to be either/or.
Phil
In the socials…
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Here’s one about how to choose the right job offer.
Struggling to land interviews? Here’s some ridiculously underpriced CV creation tools you need in your life. You’d be daft not to take a look.
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